Dad is not gay Read online

  Dad is not gay

  N. Schwalbe

  Text: © Copyright by N. Schwalbe

  Cover: © Copyright by N. Schwalbe

  Publisher: N. Schwalbe

  Am Hang 4

  08056 Zwickau, Germany

  [email protected]

  ebook: KDP Select Amazon.com

  ISBN-13: 978-1976066948

  ISBN-10: 1976066948

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author.

  1

  »Hello!« Tom Weidemeyer flung his jacket on the coat rack and went into the kitchen to greet his family.

  »Hello my darling!« Zoe smiled.

  »You seem to have had a very nice day,« said Tom.

  »Yes, and now we have Luca Steffen evening,« Zoe answered meaningfully.

  »Oh, no…women’s shit!« Tom turned up his nose and disheveled his daughter’s hair.

  »Don’t, Daddy! I’m a princess!« Two insulted children’s eyes looked daggers at him.

  Tom kissed her on the forehead and shrugged. »Forgive me, lovely Penny!«

  »I’m not called Penny anymore!«

  »Right, Penny is the American currency and who wants to be named after a coin,« Anton interfered.

  Tom raised his brows. »Oh, you have paid attention in school? I’m delighted, son.«

  »Very funny, Dad!« Anton turned around grumpily and shuffled toward the living room.

  »What’s up with him?« asked Tom and hugged his wife.

  Zoe moved her head and let him kiss her. »He wanted to watch Star Wars on TV today…«

  »Great, I’m joining him,« said Tom nibbling at her ear.

  »Dad!« Maja looked at him reproachfully. »Today is girls’ night out!«

  »Since when are you wearing eye makeup, little one? You are eleven!«

  »I’m almost grown-up, Dad.«

  Tom looked at the calendar next to the kitchen’s door. »Sure, but I think you still have a few years for this warpaint.« He turned to his wife. »Wasn’t yesterday chicks’ night out?«

  »In fact, girls’ night out is every evening, love! Our films are much more relaxing than your action shit.«

  »Action shit?« Tom nudged her. »Are you crazy? Star Wars is cult!«

  »Right, and that’s why we are using the TV today,« Anton called from the living room.

  »Not a chance! Luca Steffen is coming today and we don’t want to miss him,« Zoe called back. »God, are thirteen-year-old boys already in puberty nowadays? He has been grumbling with us the whole afternoon because we want to watch Luca Steffen.«

  »Whoa! Luca Steffen,« Tom sang and ran around the table to avoid to be hit by his wife. »When the fantastic lady-biter is playing, men naturally have to make way for him.«

  »Dad, what is a lady-biter?« Benno asked without looking up from his animal book through which he has silently leafed up to now.

  Tom made a face and took a deep breath while his wife leaned back sneeringly, waiting for his explanation.

  »Well, son, the word lady-biter doesn’t really exist, it’s a…«

  »You can bite plants,« Benno helped him out.

  »Right, you cut them,« Tom exhaled, »and you can somehow bite women as well.«

  Incredulous, his seven-year-old son stared at him. »But then they are dead!«

  »No, rather pregnant,« Anton said, coming back from the living room.

  »Anton!« His parents looked at him reproachfully.

  »You get pregnant from being bitten?« Benno squeaked. Appalled, he closed his book and focused his parents. »I’ll never ever bite a woman!«

  Penny put a comforting hand on his arm and looked at him seriously. »But babies are coming out of the belly, my brother.«

  »You are such a smart three-year-old snail,« Tom purred mischievously.

  »No, I’m a princess, Daddy!«

  »I know that, Penny, but somehow they have to get into the belly,« said Benno.

  Penny made a helpless face. »I guess princesses get their babies as a gift.«

  Tom stroked her hair and smiled. »You know about things, don’t you?«

  »Underdone,« called Benno outraged. »You can’t have babies as a present. You have to make them.«

  »Who says this?« Maja stood up and brought her plate to the dishwasher.

  »Robin. And he’s my friend.«

  »Well, he must know!« Maja replied and left the kitchen. »I’ll brush my teeth.«

  »Do you want something to eat, Tom? I’ve made fried fish for you.« Zoe stood up and opened the oven.

  »Fried fish, Zoe, you’re my angel!« Thankfully, Tom goosed her and fished for a plate. »God, I’m hungry. I’ve had three arrests and one search. At the moment, we have a lot of trouble with a group of vagabonds.«

  »Poor thing!« Zoe patted his shoulder sympathetically and handed him the fish. »I’ve made your favorite fish.«

  »And we had to put up with the smell,« Anton complained.

  »There is no need to beef about it, you’d had fish fingers as I can interpret from the rests in the pan,« said Tom with a frown.

  »You are such a hound dog!« Smiling, Zoe hugged him and kept him from eating.

  »Mom! Dad! Can’t you do this later when we are in bed?« Snubbed, Anton braced his hands on his hips.

  »What are we doing, then?« Tom pushed the fork into his mouth and smiled.

  »You are kissing.«

  »How spooky!«

  »Kissing is the early stage of sex.« Anton looked at him stubbornly.

  »Oho, someone has paid attention in biology,« Tom smirked and pulled his wife onto his lap. Then, he kissed her passionately and winked with his eyes.

  »Ugh!«

  Tom smiled and turned back to his fish. »Today, I have to bear your ladykiller, haven’t I?«

  »Yes, as long as you aren’t willing to buy a second TV set.«

  »I just have to count how many women he has already screwed.«

  »You won’t be able to, Dad! Let’s watch Star Wars on PC.« Hopefully, Anton gazed at his father, but Tom shook his head. »I can’t today, Anton. Mark called earlier at the police station and spoke about a special order.«

  Disappointed, Zoe went and got a glass of water for Tom. »Do you really have to go to the club today? You were already yesterday.«

  Tom pushed aside his plate and clutched at his wife’s wrist. »Mark said it’s important, darling. However, you’ve already got a date with Luca Steffen.«

  »Very funny! Meanwhile, I got the impression, that you prefer being in the club than at home,« Zoe frowned.

  Tom swept her off her feet and kissed her again. »You and the kids are my life, darling; otherwise I would have never dragged you to the altar to be married with sweet eighteen.«

  »You had already impregnated Mom,« said Anton.

  »Is this puberty airs and graces or wrong upbringing?« Questioning, Tom looked at his wife, who shrugged her shoulders.

  »I’m going now so I’ll be home early. Bye!«

  ***

  Half an hour later, Tom entered the clubhouse of the Club Swordplay and single-mindedly headed to Mark’s bureau. Mark, the first chairman, was already waiting for him.

  »Tom, good you could manage to come so quickly…«

  They shook hands, than Mark pointed at a young blond man in a black suit sitting in front of his desk. »May I introduce you to Franz Elsenhauer? He is Luca Steffen’s manager, the famous actor, I guess you know him? My wife never misses a film.«

  Tom welcomed Elsenhauer with a firm handshake and stifled a grin as Mark pulled faces behind Elsenhauer’s back. Luca Steffen wa
s the heartthrob of all female TV viewers and the more unpopular with the lords of creation.

  »Nice to meet you! Your visit is to whose credit, Mr Elsenhauer?« Tom asked curiously.

  A professional smile played around the eyes of his vis-à-vis. »Luca Steffen has to be a sword fighter as perfect as possible in five weeks since then the shooting of his new film will begin.«

  »No love comedy?«

  »Action!«

  »My wife will be very disappointed,« Tom said smiling. This was the pure overstatement of the century. Zoe hated action films.

  »I think if the female fans get to see so much skin and muscles, they will be compensated for the missing romantic. And, of course, love gets its fair share of the deal despite the action.« Elsenhauer smiled self-assured. »Luca wants to do something for his male profile.«

  »Why? Does his image as a ladykiller crumble because he has privately found a woman for a lifetime and now he has to head for the male fan-world?« Mark joked.

  Elsenhauer did not smile. He awkwardly sat down again and grunted. »Well, roughly…«

  Tom took place next to him and watched Mark questioningly. »And what is my role in this action film?«

  »Mr Aengeler recommended you, Mr Weidemeyer. He said you are his best man.«

  Tom felt quite tickled. »So, did he…?«

  »Yes, I did«, Mark repeated unnecessarily, »but this means, that you have to come to the club every day.«

  »I am sure, Zoe will be eaten up with envy, but will turn a blind eye to this circumstance as long as she is allowed to watch our training,« Tom answered pensively.

  »You can forget about that, Mr Weidemeyer. We expect utmost discretion. You will train behind closed doors; after all, we don’t want to endanger our star.«

  Tom rolled his eyes. The only thing endangered by Zoe’s presence was his marriage!

  »Of course, Mr Elsenhauer, you can count on our discretion, isn’t that so, Tom?« Mark urged Tom, who nodded immediately and faked a smile. He could already see the annoyed look in his wife’s eyes because he would not only hang around in the club, but also be together with her chosen star – without having a chance to see him only once!

  »Well, since we’ve already clarified the details, I may take my leave!« Mr Elsenhauer stood up and buttoned up his jacket. »You’ll be here then on Sunday, Mr Weidemeyer?«

  »Yes, I’ll be here. Ten o’clock?«

  »Perfect. Until Sunday.«

  ***

  »Tom, operation!«

  »Coming!« Tom opened his cupboard and put on his leatherjacket. Then, he took his police cap from the coat rack and followed his Co.

  Hans was already sitting in the police car and pressed the status key in order to accept the action.

  Surprised, Tom took seat behind the wheel. »Why aren’t you driving today?«

  »Don’t feel like! Last night was strenuous.« Hans fastened his seatbelt, while Tom was starting up the engine. Then, he rushed from the yard. At the crossroads he switched on the siren and drove through the streets of Hamburg.

  »Strenuous night?« Tom grinned at his colleague meaningfully.

  Hans shrugged his shoulders. »I’ll tell you later.«

  »Here we are! There’s the café!«

  Tom slowed down the car and parked at the roadside. Hans pressed the status key to inform the headquarters that they have arrived at the place of action.

  Tom took his transmitter, got out of the car and sent out to the headquarters. »Michel for thirty-one two Anton.«

  »Thirty-one two Anton?« answered one of his colleagues at the operations centers.

  »We are at the place of action. Fight with nine people. We are the first at the face,« Tom passed on by radio message.

  »Read you. Peter eleven-one and Peter eleven-two will be there in a minute. You take the lead.«

  »Yes, got it.«

  In the café, several men were fighting, but Tom and Hans waited for their colleagues from two neighbored police departments to end the fight.

  »What do you want, you queen?« cried one of the bald men.

  Tom pulled faces. You did not often find clashes between right-wing extremists and homosexuals, nevertheless, he preferred chasing robbers and burglars than playing the mediator between those parties for whom he has no time.

  Tom waved to Maren, the owner of the café, who respired at his sight. »Thank God, you could come that quickly. These gentlemen have already destroyed half of my equipment.« Piqued, she pointed at the bald men with the heavy boots who smashed four well-dressed, already bleeding men. One of the baldies raised his fist and approached his victim threateningly. Before he was able to strike, Tom gripped his arm and overwhelmed him.

  Half an hour later, they had stowed away the baldies and a doctor on call to fix up the victims.

  Tom and Hans drove back to the police station where Hans called the KDD, the ›Kriminaldauerdienst‹. »Peter thirty-one two. Good evening. We have three arrests after a fight. Will you send us one of the colleagues?«

  »Yes. Markus is on duty today. I’ll pass you on.«

  Hans was waiting for the detective superintendent on duty and outlined the facts.

  »I’ll send you Marvin and Frank. They’ll do the identification measures. Meanwhile, I’m checking whether the offenders appeared by the police.«

  After handing over the offenders, Hans and Tom ordered a big pizza.

  Exhausted, Tom laid his feet on the table half an hour later and ate his pizza. »Why did they go for each other’s throats?«

  Hans sighed and nipped at his coke. »No idea. One should think, minorities leave each other alone but the right-wing extremists are more intolerant towards homosexuals than my mother.«

  »We queers are higher educated, better dressed and better mannered,« said Frederik twinkling at Tom. He disappeared out of the room as fast as he had entered it.

  »Queers have a hard time of it in our society even though they are tolerated meanwhile,« said Maik. »May I?« Without waiting for an answer he took a piece of pizza and ate it.

  »Hey, don’t you have food on your own? Ask your wife and don’t lay hand on our pizza!« Hans said grumbling.

  Maik shrugged. »Tina got a day off. She’s visiting her sister.«

  »I was wondering where she is,« Tom smiled.

  »My sister-in-law bred.«

  »Maik!«

  »What? All the people are getting kids, only we don’t manage. Do you know how I’m under pressure? I don’t even have a hard-on. Sex by calendar is really off-putting.« Maik took a second piece of pizza.

  »We hadn’t had sex for some time, too,« said Hans bad-tempered.

  »Well, that’s what happens when you approach forty!«

  Hans blew up his cheeks and took away the pizza. »Have you gone mad? I’m thirty-five which doesn’t mean, that my cock isn’t working anymore. Still, I’m no retired breeding bull.«

  Tom grinned and didn’t say a word. He was the youngest policeman in Hamburg who had four kids – and his sex life was nevertheless – or because of it? – very distinct. Compared to his colleagues, his marriage was pure paradise.

  »Do say something,« Hans requested him.

  Tom shrugged his shoulders. »Well, women want romance, even though they are together with their men for a few years. I give Zoe little presents from time to time, take her out to a fine restaurant and it goes well in bed.«

  »With four kids?« Jan, who had just entered the room, looked at Tom incredulously. »My wife wasn’t in the mood to be screwed after one kid!«

  »And how comes that you are a threefold father?« Tom asked.

  »Three times in ten years is no stunt, isn’t it?« Jan sat down, blinked hungrily at the pizza and unwrapped his bread.

  »Tom, does the bush telegraphy work?«

  »I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jan.«

  »I’ve heard that a famous German actor announced at the club, one of those ladykillers. He gets private training,
of course. He seems to be something better.«

  «Guess, you’re right, but I can’t tell you more. I’m bound to professional discretion.« Tom played his cards close to his chest.

  »There’s no need to throw your weight around, Tom, only because you’re a chairman.« Jan stood up and left the room.

  »I could hang up posters everywhere as soon as I tell Jan, who is coming to the club for private training,« Tom murmured.

  Maik and Hans laughed. »Right you are! Do we know him?«

  »You probably not, but your wives for sure,« Tom replied with a grin.

  »Phew, there’s only one! Luca Steffen, the ladykiller on duty,« said Hans. »LoD,« he added.

  Tom sighed and went to the bathroom. He wasn’t particularly keen to spend most of his free time with a would-be swordsman who was also labeled as an ›LoD‹.

  ***

  »My nose’s itching.«

  Tom looked at his wife incredulously. »I’m telling you that I have to spend every day in the club for the next four weeks, because your legendary Luca Steffen has to be trained for his next shooting and your only comment is that ›your nose is itching‹.«

  Zoe patted his cheek. »Darling, my grandma has always warned that there’ll be trouble when one’s nose is itching.«

  Tom breathed hard and shook his head. »Horse hockey! I’ll be rarely at home, but that doesn’t mean that we’ll have trouble.« Tom carefully sipped at his coffee. «I also get money for my coaching. That means we can finally buy a sauna.«

  »Super!« Zoe smiled artificially.

  Tom knew that she was angry at him, but he couldn’t and he didn’t want to change a thing. He had already accepted and they really needed the money.

  »You know very well that my studies will start next week, don’t you? I want to graduate before I retire.«

  »I haven’t forgotten,« Tom replied irritated. Her studies are a thorn in his side. Up to now, they got along very well with her mini-job so that she had enough time for the kids and the housekeeping. It’s due to Pamela, Zoe’s best friend, that it occurred to her to study architecture.

  »I want to stand on my own two feet,« said Zoe as if she was blue in the face. »One never knows whether a marriage is long-lasting.«